my skin is my yoga
Whattup guys?
I hope this cold weather is finding you somewhere warm and toasty. I’m envisioning you next to a fire with cushy carpeting under your toes, fleecy pants and socks giving you LIFE.
I myself am sitting in a coffee shop on the Upper West Side of Manhattan as I write, a chill creeping up my legs as my leggings, while compressive, are not exactly made for the sudden drop in temperature. You’d think I’d learn…
So, I’m writing to you today for some real talk about something that I think a lot of us can relate to - SKIN.
We all have it. Some of us are dark. Some of us are light. Some of us lie somewhere in between. The one thing we all have in common is that at some point in our lives, we all have gotten pimples.
Some of us are blessed to only get one or two that clear up, never to be seen or heard from again. Others of us dealt with terrible acne as teenagers, maybe even taking Acutane to overcome our incessant breakouts.
And still others of us might have escaped teendom still fresh faced, with nary a blemish to our name, and only when we became full fledged adults did our skin decide to rebel like an angsty fourteen year old girl against her horrified mother.
That’s my situation.
For years in my twenties, I battled hormonal acne. Sometimes it was worse, sometimes better. But it was always persistent and active. When I was 27, I finally got a dermatologist to put me on Spironolactone in order to treat the beast, and within weeks I was clear! Sure, I had some hyperpigmentation, but active acne became a thing of the past.
So I got a little cocky. I started eating dairy again. I began to use slightly less fancy products on my face. I stopped getting monthly facials. I didn’t always wash my face right after a workout.
And then, the summer before I turned 30, I started teaching hot yoga. And with a vengeance, my acne returned to put me in my place. And she did NOT hold back.
Which is how I found myself in December looking like this:
I know, gory huh?
Woof. And I felt TERRIBLE. I felt embarrassed. I didn’t want to go out. Every time I looked in the mirror I couldn’t see anything but these angry red bumps. I felt so ASHAMED of ,my skin - like it made me UGLY, DIRTY, LESS-THAN.
And I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore. For one, I needed to stop wearing makeup in the hot room to give my face a chance to breathe and not collect more bacteria when I was sweating. Two, I wanted to hear who else I know is dealing with this - experience has taught me that most anything I struggle with is generally not JUST ME.
So I put it on Instagram. I shared a photo of my face at it’s absolute worst. I shared how bad I felt about it. I asked for ideas and guidance. I committed to chronicling my skin journey as I sought to heal it. I shared how it made me feel to look in the mirror and see my acne. I discussed how my self-consciousness changed the way I interacted with people. I shared the days it looked better, and the days it looked worse from my own self-inflicted anxious picking. I tried to be totally honest, because based on the responses I got, a LOT of people are struggling with their skin, especially in the fitness industry, and it seemed to help everyone to hear that they weren’t the only ones.
I’ve learned a few things so far:
On authenticity - I’ve always prided myself on being authentic via social media. But truthfully, I’ve still only ever shared what I’m comfortable sharing. Before now, I would have never dared to share an unflattering photo of myself - I thought I needed to upkeep a perfect image. So in reality, I’ve been inauthentically curating my image on social for a long time.
Truth is, sometimes I look as good as the best photos I share, and sometimes I just don’t. Because I’m a human and that’s what being a human is. Sue me. When I dared to be totally vulnerable by sharing a photo of my face covered in acne, with no makeup, not looking happy or put together, I felt more supported than I ever have before.
People don’t need yet another perfect-looking person making them feel less-than. They need to see that what they struggle with, others struggle with, and that it’s OKAY to not have it all together. They need to see that people they look up to have issues, which might be exactly the same as their own. There’s so much power in releasing your ego and just allowing yourself to be and seem human.
On relating to others - While my breakout was really bad, I was invited to an influencer event for an athleisure brand I’ve been working with. It was a fitness event, so I came ready to work out - meaning, no makeup on my face. Of course a lot of the girls there came ready to document the event on social, so their hair and makeup looked pretty flawless. And I immediately felt unbelievably insecure.
I felt I looked so ugly compared to them, and that they would only notice my skin if I talked to them. I decided they were bitchy and cliquey and didn’t want to talk to me. So I didn’t go out of my way to interact - acting withdrawn, only talking to people I already knew. I didn’t make many new friends that day, and basically created the reality I was perceiving - totally a result of my own insecurity.
While speaking with the girls I knew, I made a few self-deprecating remarks about my skin. I wanted to acknowledge that I knew how bad it looked. The girls looked at me and said, “Funny, I didn’t really notice your skin until you brought it up. It’s not the thing I notice when I look at you.”
So much clicked into place for me in that moment.
1. Your greatest insecurity is just that - YOUR insecurity. It’s where YOUR focus is, not anyone else’s.
2. Feeling insecure makes you judgmental of others, because you’re looking to feel better about yourself by putting others down, and this can create an isolating effect. If you’re feeling judgmental of others, you need to check back in with yourself to see what’s actually up with YOU. When you hold back, it’s because of YOU that you’re not connecting with others, so you’re actually creating the reality that you believe you are perceiving.
3. You are so much more than one “problem area”. Your beautiful essence outshines any perceived flaw you may have, so don’t let your fear of imperfection steal your light. You’re still YOU, no matter what you think is wrong with you.
So back to the skin, because I’m still working hard on it. I have been seeing some improvement in my hormonal acne, I believe, due to the following efforts:
Spironolactone - I’m on an “Oh shit” dose right now - meaning higher than maintenance. My dermatologist has been helpful with upping my prescription.
No dairy - At this point in my life, I don’t mess with my food unless it’s really really going to help. I find that for me, controlling food is a slippery slope. BUT, I do know that dairy isn’t really great for us in general, and that where skin is concerned, can be highly inflammatory. I had been eating Greek Yogurt every morning for breakfast, which I’ve since replaced with non-dairy overnight oats on busy mornings, and eggs with avocado on mornings I have time.
Rest - this is a tough one for me. I have a busy, irregular schedule for one. Some nights I teach late, and then early the next morning. I feel exhausted a lot, and December was one of my craziest teaching months ever, so no wonder I broke out. But rest is time for our bodies to recharge and heal. Lack of rest creates stress on the body, and also doesn’t allow us to heal. More stress creates more cortisol, witch can lead to breakouts, and less rest gives us less time to heal, so this becomes a vicious cycle! I’ve been trying to prioritize sleeping a bit more than I had been, to the best of my ability, which means less social action during the week so I can get home, unwind, and sleep enough to do it all again the next day. Working on it!
Facials - if you read my last newsletter, you know I’m a big facial fan. (@heyday you are my bestie) I’ve had so much to extract lately that sometimes I look worse after a facial, but usually about a week or so later things improve a lot. We have to remove the junk, so think of facials as a necessary elimination process.
Adding in skin-healthy foods - With my overnight oats, I add in Vital Proteins Collagen Powder. Collagen is an vital tool for skin health, as it provides structural support for connective tissue, muscle, and skin - i.e. it is responsible for skin elasticity. (It’s also great for bone and joint health, so it’s a 3 for 1 deal!)
Masks - it’s important not to go ballistic on masks because they can dry you out. It’s also important to find masks that deal with your unique issues. I’ve been using Asarai’s red clay mask about 1-2 times a week depending on dry I am -it’s light and not too drying.
Alright, I think that’s all I’ve got. Here’s a pic of where the skin is at now.
Hoping to continue to get better - but it’s a journey, just like everything else. Yoga is everywhere, in everything we do.
For me right now, my skin journey is my yoga - a practice in compassion, non-attachment, truthfulness, cleanliness, discipline, and self-study.
That’s all for now crew - wishing you gorgeousness that shines from the inside out!
Steph